but before I go…
My Siali dragon grew up. Isn’t she purty?
Writer and photographer who enjoys shiny things and the way books smell. Life ambition: to become a dragon. (Or maybe I already am.)
mostly offline today. be good while I’m gone, darlings.
|· aithne does life ·|
Psychologist George Miller long ago said something so important that I call it Miller’s Law; he said, “In order to understand what another person is saying, you must assume that it is true and try to find out what it could be true of.” That is, when somebody says, “Hey! My toaster talks to me!”, your proper response is a neutral “Oh? What does your toaster say?” Followed by careful listening, with your full attention. You’re not accepting as true the statement that the person’s toaster talks to him or her; you’re assuming temporarily that it is true, and then you’re listening carefully to find out what the statement could be true of.
That’s not how most of us operate. Most of us use a rule that I call Miller’s Law In Reverse. We hear somebody say something that we react to negatively; we immediately assume that the utterance is false; and we stop listening because we’re busy telling ourselves what’s wrong with the person that explains why they’d say something so unacceptable to us. We leap to conclusions. We tell ourselves things like these:
- "He’s only saying that because…. he’s uneducated/crazy/drunk/old/sadistic/showing off."
- "She’s only saying that because…. she’s an airhead/vicious/on drugs/totally confused/out to get me."
- "They’re only saying that because… I’m short/people like them have no manners/I can’t afford a decent suit/they don’t like me."
The minute we do that, all listening stops. You can’t listen to what someone else is saying and listen to your own self-talk at the same time; it’s not neurophysiologically possible. And what happens next? A great deal of the time, a fight happens. Like this:X: “Hey! My toaster talks to me!” YOU: “Look, I don’t have time for that kind of garbage! I’ve got work to do!” X: “And I suppose MY work isn’t as important as yours?” YOU: “I didn’t say that.” X: “Oh, yes you did!” YOU: “I did NOT! I just said…”
And so on, downhill from there.
People tell me they don’t have time to listen, they’re too busy. I can assure you, based on three decades of teaching verbal self-defense, that they spend far more time straightening out the messes that result from not listening. Give the speaker your full attention for as long as it takes to understand what’s really being said and why. Even if the speaker is a child. Perhaps especially if the speaker is a child. I once heard a mother answer a child’s “Mom, I wish I was dead” with “Were dead, dear, not was dead.” This is how we end up reading in newspapers that a child has done some terrrible thing “without warning.” This is what’s behind going home one night and finding that your spouse has left you “without warning.” There’s always a warning, but somebody has to be listening to it; otherwise, the person will give up and stop trying.
I’m part of an auction for RAINN over at the My Countless Lives blog that is now live! I’m donating a 1st chapter/25 page critique, so please check it out if you’re interested. (Minimum bid is $10.)
There are lots of other auctions going on as well, so anything you can do to help would be fabulous.
Auction ends tonight at midnight so have at it!
what really gets me on that article is the *winkwink**nudgenudge* “REALISTIC”
….a bunch of bisexual charcters are less realistic than a fucking bog unicorn?
An average TV night with family:
Oh, and four of said people are poly.
Apparently we’re not realistic?
Let’s play a game.
Type the following words into your tags box, then post the first automatic tag that comes up.
im gonna crack a rib from laughing holy shit
|· YOU GUYS · also acceptable: a found cake · ...what this is awesome · when I start writing Cullen/Seb · why are these two so adorable · How original · LOOKIT DAT PUPPY FAAACE · Because any man weak enough to hide his eyes while his neighbors are punished for the way they love deserves a vengeful god. · never leaving the house again ·|
For clarification, boundaries are not about telling the other person what to do, but saying what you will do.
Ferinstance: “Because I was frightened by a Ninja Turtle on a Wednesday, green really scares me on that day. You’re not allowed to wear green pajamas on Wednesday” isn’t setting a boundary. That’s giving an order.
”Because I was frightened by a Ninja Turtle on Wednesday, green really scares me on that day. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who wears green pajamas on a Wednesday” is setting a boundary. It’s not giving an order, but is saying what you want in your life.
It may seem subtle but it’s really HUGE.
|· polyamory ·|
The fact that she is hooded makes me very happy in ways I suspect only people I RP with will understand.
From the park on Puget Sound I watched the sun go down on the shortest day of the year. The air lost its lemon glitter, the dancing water dulled to a greasy heave, and the moon, not yet at its height, grew more substantial. Clouds gathered along the horizon, dirty yellow-white and gory at one end, like a broken arctic fox. Snow wasn’t in the forecast, but I could smell it.
More than snow. If all the clues I’d put together over the years were right, it would happen tonight.
I let the weather herd me from the waterfront park into the city, south then east, through the restaurant district and downtown. The streets should have been thronged with last-minute holiday shoppers but the weather had driven them toward the safety of home.
By the time I reached the urban neighborhood of Capitol Hill, the moon was behind an iron lid of cloud, and sleet streaked the dark with pearl.
Inside the women’s bar, customers were dressed a little better than usual: wool rather than fleece, cashmere blend instead of merino, and all in richer, more celebratory colors. The air was spiced with cinnamon and anticipation. Women looked up when the door opened, they leaned toward one another, faces alight like children waiting for teacher to announce a story, a present, a visit from Santa.
This is fantastic—a story about old things, and women, and the hunt.
“The first of the magus cast themselves deep in the Fade in search of answers and power, always power. They found the forbidden ones- Xebenkeck, Imshael, Gaxkang the Unbound, and The Formless One. Many conversations were had and much of the fabric of the world revealed. And thus the magic of blood was born.” ―Unknown Mage
….WELL THAT WOULD EXPLAIN A FEW THINGS ABOUT THE MASKED EMPIRE.